Our Hearts

Why does God allow suffering to His faithful?
Why are dreams so long to become fulfilled and sometimes never come to pass?
Why does He seem so silent at times while the world is quick to speak its opinions?

I read Job in a week. I’m not sure if a book in the Bible has ever captivated me so fully and so wholeheartedly. Portrayed as a man faithful to his God, Job enters an incredible sequence of events that completely shake his entire life: in a matter of minutes and as a result of spiritual warfare, everything (except his negative wife!) was stripped away from him. We don’t know how long his agony lasted, but part of his suffering included a constant outpour of various words and opinions from his “friends.” Every single one of them had an opinion; and while each opinion held truths within it, it did not address Job’s real issue. Then God stepped in. He did not answer Job’s questions; rather, He pointed out His sovereignty. Job was absolutely humbled; how foolish he had been to try to explain the meaning of what was happening to him. While God blessed Job in unmeasurable material and familial ways in the long run, Job received the most important gift right after God’s words humbled him: a true heart for God –not a heart after sacrifices and ordinances, but a heart after the Almighty.

Yesterday, I began reading I Samuel. I jumped into a storyline early on that I had expected; but I also discovered a similar theme to Job that I had not foreseen. I Samuel begins with an insight in the life of a woman, Hannah, desperate for her own child. She and her family are seen as faithful to God through their regular prayers and sacrifices, similarly to Job’s situation prior to his moment of desperation. Hannah, too, is persecuted, though mainly emotionally. Her dream for a child was honorable –yet God did not seem to be fulfilling her vision. Eventually, He did provide her with a son, Samuel, who would do wonders through God for Israel. Why did God make Hannah wait? What did God want of her?

He wanted her heart…just like He wanted Job’s…and He wants ours.

There is no telling how Hannah would have been toward God and the future of her son had she not had to wait, had she not had to endure the pain from the words of her husband’s second wife. There’s no telling how Job would have continued viewing God had he not been tried. Would both Hannah and Job have continued in simply following the rules and offering sacrifices rather than truly pursuing the heart of God?

The desires God places in our hearts are for a very, very, VERY specific reason; but if we try to meet them on our own timetable or if we pursue them more than the One who gave them to us, we risk missing quite a bit of beautiful growth in the Lord –we risk missing what He wants most for us: a heart after Him and His purposes. Jesus boasted of Mary’s best decision: to choose the “good portion” of life (Luke 10:41-42), pursuing the heart of God. Similarly, God looked past David’s human mistakes and still had him remembered for his most important trait: a heart after God’s (Acts 13:22).

So to those of you waiting for your dream to come, to those of you praying for healing, to those of you who are confused about your next step, remember that if your heart is after God’s, you already have everything. Let your heart pursue Him, confessing His sovereignty. He CAN be trusted. “He suffered you to hunger…that He might make you know that man does not live by bread alone…” (Deut. 8:3) –He wants us to have the most important part of life: satisfaction in Him, in pursuing Him, in knowing Him. Forget the calling, forget the mission; yes, those are important. But what He wants most is our heart. As so beautifully said by Amy Carmichael, “It is a safe thing to trust Him to fulfill the desires He creates.”

Simply Duty

So likewise you, when you have done all those things which you are commanded say, ‘We are unprofitable servants. We have done what was our duty to do’ (Luke 17:10).

This evening, I started to really seriously look at my upcoming coursework for my next class that is about to begin. To be completely honest, I started to feel that big drowning feeling in my stomach rising through my chest: the big “o” word –overwhelmed, especially since this course is supposed to overlap with another one that looks twice as more intense and demanding. Suddenly, I had to laugh at myself, at my fear, and at my future! I can’t let myself get overwhelmed, but rather I should remember what, or rather Who, this entire degree is all about: His work and His alone. It’s about my taking a leap into the unknown, about walking on water…with just the sound of His Spirit to lead me and with my eyes wide open to continue to see His beautiful painting come alive before my heart, mind, and soul. In fact, He has already begun to reveal to me part of it in ways that only point to Him. Nobody else may quite see it as I do; others may even view me as crazy. But all that matters is that I, I do know. And as I know and remember, I grow and am left only more and more in humble awe and sincere emptiness, ready for Him to fill and overflow me over and over and forever.

But as I move to embrace every day as an adventure with and for Him, I cannot fall to the temptation to pat myself on the shoulder for such a choice. It is, rather, just my mere duty to Him. Following Him, picking up my designed cross, forsaking this world and its empty promises, seeking His face above all, breathing in and out His Word, and obeying His still, small voice –this is only and simply my calling. Just as Jesus tried to explain to His disciples many, many years ago, I need to recognize that to choose any other walk is foolish…and to cling to His promises while trusting and obeying is my only reasonable service, the essence of true life, and the summary of any lasting legacy. We have done what was our duty to do. Simply my duty –no accolade should be expected. What a foreign concept for my human, sinful mind swamped by a culture that worships self, seeks personal advancement and comfort above all, and desires to prove itself worthy! Everyone and anyone desire a prize, some sort of trophy –but do we really deserve it?

Micah 6:8 states that what God REQUIRES of me is to do justly, to love mercy, and to walk humbly with Him. Through Christ’s strength, this has become my duty. Will I accept it with joy this year of 2014, only hoping to hear one day, Well done, good and faithful servant (Matthew 25:14-30)? Will YOU?

Hopes & Fears Met in Thee Tonight

It’s that time of year –CHRISTMAS! It’s weird to think that one year has passed since the start of my blog. Looking back over the past year, it’s as if I can see how one thing led to another, stretching me in my faith and leading me towards Shiloh’s Mount. I caught a glimpse as never before about what it means to take leaps of faith; to truly only lean on the Savior; and to trust Him to fulfill what He has promised towards you.

I read a few days ago Luke 5:1-11, and while I cannot possibly compare my journey to those of the disciples’, I did recognize a pattern in their life that occurred at least a couple times in my past year. Like reading the steps to following a pattern to make a quilt square, I saw it all come together. In the Scripture passage, Jesus enters a ship and asks Simon, a fisherman on it, to throw the nets into the water again. Simon tells Jesus that there is nothing to be caught BUT that he will proceed anyways. We see here the first step:  simple obedience when it does not make any sense. 

The disciples actually catch so much fish that their net breaks and they need help from other fisherman in order to collect the fish! Simon Peter is astonished and humbled. I can definitely relate to this next step: God works and I am humbled. This has happened so much this past year: countless times I weakly followed the Lord, with so little confidence in who He is…only to be blown away by His faithfulness and His provision.

What’s amazing is the third step: Jesus looked past the sinful minds of His future disciples and stated FEAR NOT, calling them to become fishers of men. God looks past all of our sin, failures, abilities/inabilities, and insecurities and gives us a calling, something to do, to obey. And just as the fisherman responded, so should we: they finished up their current job, left everything behind, and embraced their calling: following Him. What is the last step in this quilt block? Usually finishing up our current job (unless sinful), leaving everything behind, embracing our calling, and following Him.

This is what Christmas is really about: casting aside our fears of years past and unwrapping the gift of hope that comes through following Christ alone…because that little baby we so easily sing about this time of year is the Son of God, long-expected Messiah, and the only Savior. So let the weary world rejoice!

Grateful for Waiting. Grateful for the Unseen.

I used to despise winter. Growing up, I came to dread the long series of gloomy, wet, and cold days that seem to wrap Christmas and overstay its welcome well into March and April. I am grateful that the type of winter I now see is sunnier than the ones I grew up with; but I have also come to truly treasure the change of seasons, enjoying each one for the unique beauty it holds and seeking the lessons it desires to teach me. 

We are in the middle of celebrating THANKSGIVING, so naturally, I was attracted to the idea of thinking and writing about gratefulness. During this season, we tend to make more "gratitude lists" than we normally do -words on a paper strung together to represent all our greatest blessings. We sit around a table and take turns to mention special people, places, and circumstances that brought us great joy throughout the year. One recent fad I observed this year was daily Facebook status after status about reasons a certain soul was grateful. Another habit I really liked was sharing over social media photo albums that held pictures of its designer's greatest motivators for thanks. 

While all of these habits are to be encouraged and should be practiced year-round, most all hold one element in common: they are about what we can immediately see. The seen and the immediate are usually what our minds most focus on, but it should not be so. As Christians, we should dwell beyond the here and now -and our gratefulness should reflect such an eternal purpose. 

How many of us are waiting for something?

I believe we ALL are, in some form or another.  I used to think that being in a state of waiting came and went at different times of our lives; now, I see it as a definition of our journey on this earth. Whether it's awaiting the end of a season of chastisement, looking for the fulfillment of a God-given dream, or yearning for freedom from pain and sickness, all of us are in a season of waiting. But when was the last time that we thanked God for the waiting? When was the last time that we thanked God for this perpetual season of life? We see waiting as a burden, a cross to carry, and a struggle. In many ways, waiting IS all of those! But, waiting is also the opportunity for a more consistent and stronger growth and for the revelation of His glory. Once we choose to trust God to reveal us the beauty of waiting and to fulfill His promises in His most perfect and glorious time, our hearts are filled with gratefulness for the unseen: the things to come and the resulting closer walk with Him. So this Thanksgiving, let us focus on the convictions He places in our hearts and the revelation of who He is through these; and let us embrace with joy and gratefulness our seasons of waiting and our coming fulfillment of His promises. "While we look not at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen: for the things which are seen are temporal; but the things which are not seen are eternal" (II Cor. 4:18). “But as it is written, ‘Eye has not seen, nor ear heard, neither have entered into the heart of man, the things which God has prepared for them that love Him” (I Cor. 2:9).

"Strangely Dim"
by Francesca Battistelli (to watch: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MjmZ2v0niCI)

I've got all these plans piled up sky high
A thousand dreams on hold
And I don't know why,
I got a front row seat
To the longest wait
And I just can't see
Past the things I pray
Today

But when I fix my eyes on all that You are
Then every doubt I feel
Deep in my heart
Grows strangely dim
All my worries fade
And fall to the ground
Cause when I seek Your face
And don't look around
Any place I'm in
Grows strangely dim

Sometimes where I stand
On this narrow road
Is in a raging storm
Or a valley low
But oh

When I fix my eyes on all that You are
Then every doubt I feel
Deep in my heart
Grows strangely dim
All my worries fade
And fall to the ground
Cause when I seek Your face
And don't look around
Any place I'm in
Grows strangely dim

I don't know, I don't know
What tomorrow may hold
But I know, but I know
That You're holding it all
So no matter what may come

I'm gonna fix my eyes on all that You are
'Til every doubt I feel
Deep in my heart
Grows strangely dim
Let all my worries fade
And fall to the ground
I'm gonna seek Your face
And not look around
Til the place I'm in
Grows strangely, strangely, strangely dim.

A Mind for Eternity

       How often do we live for ourselves! What will God do for me? How is this good for me? Will this bring me closer to what I want? How will this circumstance or person serve me, improve my life, give me answers, or provide me with keys to my life? Those can be good guidelines through life’s decisions, but they should not consume them. Lost in this thinking, when life throws us challenges or pain, we stumble around, broken-hearted, alone, and with calls to the heavens about unfairness.

        Life IS an adventure –there is no doubt. But what kind of adventure do we want? What kind of adventure do I want? I can accomplish everything I dream, receive the highest praises, and pursue the best relationships, but what is their worth if God and His vision are not reflected through them to me and those around me? “This calf—a metalworker has made it; it is not God. It will be broken in pieces, that calf of Samaria. They sow the wind and reap the whirlwind. The stalk has no head; it will produce no flour. Were it to yield grain, foreigners would swallow it up” (Hosea 8: 6-7). There is absolutely no worth if only done for self. This kind of adventure is pointless and does not satisfy. It leaves the soul empty, lost, and alone, built only on sand castles. “What good is it for someone to gain the whole world, yet forfeit their soul?” (Mark 8:36)

        Rather than focusing on what is seen, on the immediate, and on ourselves, our minds should be driven beyond this world with its common dreams and push our thoughts towards eternity. Our answers and responses to the successes, obstacles, and failures of this life should be quests for God’s growth in us through them all and for His ultimate glorification. Disciples faced with the difficult question of the existence of the hurt of the disabled received this answer from Jesus: “this happened so that the works of God might be displayed in him” (John 9:3). Is this our response when things don’t go our way –or when they do? God’s message throughout His Word is almost simple: it’s ALL for His glory.

        So how do we live the right kind of adventure? The journey God yearns each of us to have is one of single heartedness, a life centered on His Word, on His eternal plan, and on His glory. His fellowship is the only one needed for completion and satisfaction: “As for me, I will behold thy face in righteousness: I shall be satisfied, when I awake, with thy likeness” (Psalm 17:15). Clothed with humility, we can approach Him knowing that He is our Father who owns the cattle of a thousand hills (Psalm 50:10); we can trust that where He leads is right where we are supposed to be, even if it means a fiery furnace (Daniel 3) or before the audience of a king (Esther 4). The Gospel is all we really have (Galatians 6:14) that will last through anything this life brings. “So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal” (II Corinthians 4:18).

“Now, Lord, I would be Yours alone 
And live so all might see 
The strength to follow Your commands 
Could never come from me 
O Father, use my ransomed life 
In any way You choose 
And let my song forever be 
My only boast is You 

Hallelujah! All I have is Christ 
Hallelujah! Jesus is my life” –from Sovereign Grace “All I Have Is Christ”

He Leadeth Me

I sat on the floor of my bedroom by the window. My Bible and journal beside me, I held open a copy of Oswald Chambers’s My Utmost for His Highest, staring at the words and deep in thought. My head seemed to stage a track competition between life’s mysteries and mankind’s futile attempts at solving them –kind of like in all those Nancy Drew novels I had adventured myself during my middle and high school years. It’s easy to get lost in the details, to focus on what I want to see, to shy away from unseen fears. But, as any good sleuth like Nancy Drew would tell you, a successful investigator learns to balance the beauty of the details and the practicality of the big picture; strives for the truth while adhering to the goal; and courageously stands for the involved principles regardless of the greatness of the wonder.

“’If ye abide in me, and my words abide in you…’ –that is the way to keep going in our personal lives. Where we are placed is a matter of indifference; God engineers the goings.” Chambers’s words reminded me that all this that I call my life is not my orchestration, not my search party, and not my craft. I’ve been thinking about that a lot lately. But tonight Chambers also challenged me in another way: if I abide in the Lord, I can trust that what comes my way is His work. Look at what the rest of his quoted verse states:

“If ye abide in me, and my words abide in you, ye shall ask what ye will, and it shall be done unto you” (John 15:7). Similarly, Psalm 37: 4-5 promises, “Delight thyself also in the Lord; and He shall give thee the desires of thine heart. Commit thy way unto the Lord; trust also in Him; and He shall bring it to pass.”

Those words are to my soul as the song of the crickets is to my ears –beautiful, quiet yet powerful, peaceful, and gentle. No, it’s not about what I do. It’s about where He leads a yielded heart, mind, and soul through this journey and how He places me right where I need to be. Lord, thank You that those who abide in You, You lead right along where they are supposed to be. You are faithful! 

Be Faithful

In an earlier blog-post before my trip to the sea, I wrote about my current environment and its challenges. Perhaps part of me hoped that God would provide a great revelation during my ocean journey on how to get out of it. Foolish, perhaps? God has used my beach voyages to speak powerful words to my heart in the past -so why not again?

It's funny...this time, I haven't been really moved to think anything at all about my situation, except the tenacious words of  "being faithful" right before I had left for vacation and during the first part of it. It's as if God were quietly repeating, "Daughter, we've already talked about this. Why are you still pressing? Why are you still fighting? I have simply called you to be faithful."

Of course, my fighter's soul doesn't accept that. It continually asks "why;" begs "show me;" seeks answers I can create, mere shallow copies easily washed off by the waves of time and the wills of man.

From the beach that I like to walk through every morning, I can spot the old castle that sits on the edge of a cliff. I can just imagine the dukes and ladies of old parading across the lawn and watching for any pirates on the horizon. God's vision is like that castle up on a hill, designed to last beyond the winds and seasons and tides. I just need to accept my part of His plan here and now -and not tomorrow. Oh my little castles... I can try to build them as much as I want; but when will I swallow my pride and humbly accept that my shaky castles on sand are but cheap, faulty replicates of His greatness and design?

I must pursue Him, His vision...with sincerity, boldness, and singleness of heart. It doesn't matter the season -it's a lifetime dedication. I must be faithful.