Ashamed of my Prideful Unbelief. Amazed by His Wonderful Work.

To put it simply, flying stand-by during the holiday season can be one of the most frustrating experiences in the twenty-first century Western world. This method worked for me to make it 'home for the holidays' so I figured that, of course, traveling to my first full-time job, though tricky, would work out...right? Well, it did work-out, but not without some twists, rebellion, a revelation, and finally a blessing...all within just a few hours!
I received news that flights, worsened by winter storms, were completely full with no room for MOI -a MOI full of my own ways, my own timing, my own distinct pride, and my own human sight. I was extremely distressed: flights did not show signs of clearing up before my job start-date...the start-date of my first job. What would this look like? I WANTED this job. I WANTED to perform well. I WANTED to make a good impression. I WANTED to prove that I have what it takes despite my youth and my inexperience. But, now, THIS.
A little terrified, I emailed my supervisors, begging them to understand. I don't know why but I let myself lose heart and prepare for defeat. After hitting 'send,' I went walking outside for some fresh air and a chat with God. I didn't understand and I was tired of waiting. I was still waiting for answers about my living conditions after what seemed so long, and now THIS. My pride said I well-deserved answers NOW. For perhaps an hour, I battled with the Lord. Finally, I gave up and started to walk home. But I had given up like a pouting child who had not received his way when he wanted it and was still fully upset. I imagined worst-case scenarios -absolutely worst-case scenarios.

Maybe it was that sunset He used to melt my stubbornness and pride; or maybe it was that horse's whinny that touched me and tuned my heart to His. I finally realized that really, not going to my job at that date -or ever!- was absolutely 'okay.' What weighed the most was my fellowship with Him.

Suddenly, a desire to WANT TO WAIT filled my soul. I wanted to wait as long as He need to teach me something...as long as He needed to be most glorified...as long as He needed for ALL His work to become His MASTERPIECE. I wanted to wait for everything I wanted so deeply, as long as that meant an even more beautiful fellowship with Him. Besides, He has said that His grace was be to sufficient for me anyways (II Corinthians 12:9)!
I stepped back into the house, my spirits lifted and my soul revived. Sitting in front of the computer, I discovered a gracious email from work, announcing my changed start-date and wishing me to wait with no worries over these circumstances beyond my control. And, to top it off, my changed start-date improved both travel and housing options beyond flight room!

Wow.
All I could do was collapse on my bed, so ashamed at my lack of trust in the Lord...and so grateful that He HAD indeed changed my plans and ways. Once again, my life was becoming living, tangible proof that His ways ARE better than mine, that He never forsakes His own...and that He always manages to shatter our pride! :)

What The Preacher Said

Vanity is what life is. The book of Ecclesiastes portrays this truth so well! Everything is vain; you never know what is going to happen; if your efforts are going to pay off; and if fruit will come from your work. But in the midst of so much uncertainty, one thing we should remember is that just as we do not know the future, we do not know either what God is doing. Isaiah 55:8-9 tells us that His thoughts are not as ours but, rather, are higher. Jeremiah 29:11-14 assures us though that God IS at work in our midst!

One thing we do know and can rest in is that God is a righteous, holy Judge. Instead of letting the "vanities of life" lead us to apathy or sin, we are to live fully -but with eternity in mind. "While we look not at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen: for the things which are not seen are eternal" (II Cor. 4:18). Since we are human, though, it is difficult to be eternity-minded. So the main "guideline" or question to ask ourselves through our daily lives is based on Eccle. 12:13-14: am I fearing God? am I keeping His commandments? Or, as Micah 6:8 puts it, am I seeking justice, loving mercy, and walking humbly with my God?

This is the secret to finding meaning in this very vain, quickly fleeting life. Even though everything is vanity, the eternity-minded Christian sees the long-lasting purpose in living fully for the things unseen: "because the preacher was wise, he still taught the people knowledge; yea, he gave good heed, and sought out, and set in order many proverbs. The preacher sought to find out acceptable words: and that which was written was upright, even words of truth." -Eccle. 12:8-10

Life as an Involuntary Gypsie -Living Out of a Suitcase...or Two

I am currently a gypsie. But I did not choose to be, really.

One of the areas of life I perhaps have been looking forward to the most for a while now is having my own little place -far, far away from a dorm, an abode shared with maybe a friend or two, a few square feet to call my very first home. Growing up overseas with family on both sides and traveling a lot always made me feel as if my heart were in two places and that days were lived out of suitcases. College helped some, but dorm life held its own attacks against feeling at home.With suddenly an earlier-than-expected graduation, I could dare to dream that finally off-campus  living would be for me sooner than anticipated! Farewell to showers shared by two dozen; a million goodbyes to loud halls past ten P.M.; and adios to hall-meetings I struggled to remain awake through. I was more than ready to call for a year of jubilee.

I got hired full-time for this January in a whirlwind during a rather strange period of my life: a juggling of a senior honors thesis, a series of Thanksgiving travels, and a menacing approach of final exams. My vision for a cozy home-sweet-home turned into a nightmare of a frantic search for promised shelter before I left town for break with my family. Every seeming housing opportunity fell through. Every. Single. One. I am not kidding or exaggerating.

Needless to say, I became a pretty hopeless case of a college student losing her mind to senioritis, exams, and simply 'life.' I was so thankful when my mom pitched in to attempt to solve my housing crisis and helped dry some of my drowning tears. However, gone were the days when Maman could solve all my problems with a kiss or a band-aid or a fun story. Even she could not piece this puzzle together. I was about to leave campus, and still, I had no guarantee of living arrangements for when I would return in January.

But that's when I began to realize that being a gypsie sometimes can be a good thing.

''My God shall supply all your needs...'' (Phil. 4:19)

Hmmm. Right. Where's my house, then? Isn't that one of my needs?
I couldn't help but question, battling myself to believe that eventually provision for my home would come. The answer did come, but not in the form I believed it should. God did supply my need -in the form of dedicated, sincered friends who opened their home to my belongings and others who promised a warm and loving shelter for me. I realized that He had provided for one of my needs much more significant than an apartment: friendship -something that would warm my heart much more than my own four walls would.

Of course, I plan not to rely on my friends forever for housing (!!!!!), and I cannot help but envision what my own place will look like (hopefully very, very, VERYYYYYY soon). But in the mean-time, I must enjoy this gypsie life to its fullest and see all that God can teach me through this season. I know I can rely on the God who dropped in my lap this job that I was not even planning on applying for in the first place...even if I must remain a gypsie all my life...Because let's face it: someone who grew up with two countries in her heart never really stops feeling like a gypsie!

''Let your conversation be without covetousness; and be content with such things as ye have: for He hath said, I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee. So that we may boldly say, The Lord is my helper, and I will not fear what man shall do unto me.'' -Heb. 13:5-6

Life for My Only Boast

This transition period in my life is being very thought-provoking for me: it has been forcing me to see truly that for my life to have meaning, I must find purpose in the Lord. I started just today to read Ecclesiastes because it seemed to be the perfect book of the Bible to dive into next: my current season of life is the one that when I was younger, I firmly dreamed as the one where “everything would be put together” for me. Obviously…that little blissful vision is not reality, as I admitted in my previous post.

Right now, my living conditions are “up in the air.” This mysterious quest for a place of my own has been quite the route of frustration and the result, for now, of still no place to live but of definite growth in recognizing His provision for my needs (see future blog post).  Life would be “pretty awesome” if I finally had a little abode to make mine. However, even this will not provide me with purpose in life. Now that I have reached the point in my life that I once saw as “when I will have everything,” I realize that having everything in-and-of itself does not promise this long-sought purpose. Yes, I have a degree. Yes, I graduated with honors. Yes, I get to ride and train horses and even guide children in their early steps with horses. And, yes, I even have a job that I am excited to start!

BUT THESE WILL NOT GIVE ME PURPOSE.

What, then, gives meaning to every one of my breaths?
This list of accomplishments and of future labors I just itemized are wonderful but they are not meaningful in-and-of themselves apart from the One who gave them to me and who gifted me with what I needed to carry them out fully. The Lord is the One who knew every single detail about me before I was formed and created me with a purpose and a special design (Psalm 139). Day by day, even through my mistakes, failures, and shortcomings, He uses every detail for a greater purpose and wants me to live every moment to its fullest for His glory (Jeremiah 29). He wants me to live as He has created me to be because this identity in Him will be the life that brings me the most joy, satisfaction, and purpose (I Cor. 7:17, 24; Psalm 37:4-7). Hebrews 13:5-6 states that I can live every day fully content –happily satisfied  because I already have everything that I absolutely need: a beautiful relationship with God through His Son Jesus Christ that will never end and never leave me lonely. The Lord also promises me that He will absolutely provide me with every single thing that I could need –and more (Phil. 4:19)!

Everything else besides Christ in my life fails to give me purpose. He may choose to bless me in abundance or provide me with just my needs –but these mean nothing apart from the life and joy a relationship with Him bring. Growing in His truth, worshiping Him with my life, and touching the lives of others –those are my purpose; those give me a meaning to live; and those encourage me to live every day to its fullest. And those come straight from His heart.

Though none go with me, I will follow…because it’s worth it!

The Turn of a Page

Here I am, starting a completely different chapter of my life –and beginning a new blog to match this huge step in my journey.  When I was a little girl, I assumed that by this graduation stage, I would have EVERYTHING figured out.  Now, I realize what a simplistic vision occupied my mind; it was so far from reality.

What is, then, this reality that is now my present instead of a long-expected future?

These truths will my blog reveal.

I leave you now with these words, especially for those of us dwelling on the shooting at Sandy Hook Elementary School: “Who can stand before His indignation?  And who can abide in the fierceness of His anger?  His fury is poured out like fire, and the rocks are thrown down by Him.  The Lord is good, a strong hold in the day of trouble; and He knoweth them that trust in Him” (Nahum 1:6-7).