Hopes & Fears Met in Thee Tonight

It’s that time of year –CHRISTMAS! It’s weird to think that one year has passed since the start of my blog. Looking back over the past year, it’s as if I can see how one thing led to another, stretching me in my faith and leading me towards Shiloh’s Mount. I caught a glimpse as never before about what it means to take leaps of faith; to truly only lean on the Savior; and to trust Him to fulfill what He has promised towards you.

I read a few days ago Luke 5:1-11, and while I cannot possibly compare my journey to those of the disciples’, I did recognize a pattern in their life that occurred at least a couple times in my past year. Like reading the steps to following a pattern to make a quilt square, I saw it all come together. In the Scripture passage, Jesus enters a ship and asks Simon, a fisherman on it, to throw the nets into the water again. Simon tells Jesus that there is nothing to be caught BUT that he will proceed anyways. We see here the first step:  simple obedience when it does not make any sense. 

The disciples actually catch so much fish that their net breaks and they need help from other fisherman in order to collect the fish! Simon Peter is astonished and humbled. I can definitely relate to this next step: God works and I am humbled. This has happened so much this past year: countless times I weakly followed the Lord, with so little confidence in who He is…only to be blown away by His faithfulness and His provision.

What’s amazing is the third step: Jesus looked past the sinful minds of His future disciples and stated FEAR NOT, calling them to become fishers of men. God looks past all of our sin, failures, abilities/inabilities, and insecurities and gives us a calling, something to do, to obey. And just as the fisherman responded, so should we: they finished up their current job, left everything behind, and embraced their calling: following Him. What is the last step in this quilt block? Usually finishing up our current job (unless sinful), leaving everything behind, embracing our calling, and following Him.

This is what Christmas is really about: casting aside our fears of years past and unwrapping the gift of hope that comes through following Christ alone…because that little baby we so easily sing about this time of year is the Son of God, long-expected Messiah, and the only Savior. So let the weary world rejoice!

Grateful for Waiting. Grateful for the Unseen.

I used to despise winter. Growing up, I came to dread the long series of gloomy, wet, and cold days that seem to wrap Christmas and overstay its welcome well into March and April. I am grateful that the type of winter I now see is sunnier than the ones I grew up with; but I have also come to truly treasure the change of seasons, enjoying each one for the unique beauty it holds and seeking the lessons it desires to teach me. 

We are in the middle of celebrating THANKSGIVING, so naturally, I was attracted to the idea of thinking and writing about gratefulness. During this season, we tend to make more "gratitude lists" than we normally do -words on a paper strung together to represent all our greatest blessings. We sit around a table and take turns to mention special people, places, and circumstances that brought us great joy throughout the year. One recent fad I observed this year was daily Facebook status after status about reasons a certain soul was grateful. Another habit I really liked was sharing over social media photo albums that held pictures of its designer's greatest motivators for thanks. 

While all of these habits are to be encouraged and should be practiced year-round, most all hold one element in common: they are about what we can immediately see. The seen and the immediate are usually what our minds most focus on, but it should not be so. As Christians, we should dwell beyond the here and now -and our gratefulness should reflect such an eternal purpose. 

How many of us are waiting for something?

I believe we ALL are, in some form or another.  I used to think that being in a state of waiting came and went at different times of our lives; now, I see it as a definition of our journey on this earth. Whether it's awaiting the end of a season of chastisement, looking for the fulfillment of a God-given dream, or yearning for freedom from pain and sickness, all of us are in a season of waiting. But when was the last time that we thanked God for the waiting? When was the last time that we thanked God for this perpetual season of life? We see waiting as a burden, a cross to carry, and a struggle. In many ways, waiting IS all of those! But, waiting is also the opportunity for a more consistent and stronger growth and for the revelation of His glory. Once we choose to trust God to reveal us the beauty of waiting and to fulfill His promises in His most perfect and glorious time, our hearts are filled with gratefulness for the unseen: the things to come and the resulting closer walk with Him. So this Thanksgiving, let us focus on the convictions He places in our hearts and the revelation of who He is through these; and let us embrace with joy and gratefulness our seasons of waiting and our coming fulfillment of His promises. "While we look not at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen: for the things which are seen are temporal; but the things which are not seen are eternal" (II Cor. 4:18). “But as it is written, ‘Eye has not seen, nor ear heard, neither have entered into the heart of man, the things which God has prepared for them that love Him” (I Cor. 2:9).

"Strangely Dim"
by Francesca Battistelli (to watch: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MjmZ2v0niCI)

I've got all these plans piled up sky high
A thousand dreams on hold
And I don't know why,
I got a front row seat
To the longest wait
And I just can't see
Past the things I pray
Today

But when I fix my eyes on all that You are
Then every doubt I feel
Deep in my heart
Grows strangely dim
All my worries fade
And fall to the ground
Cause when I seek Your face
And don't look around
Any place I'm in
Grows strangely dim

Sometimes where I stand
On this narrow road
Is in a raging storm
Or a valley low
But oh

When I fix my eyes on all that You are
Then every doubt I feel
Deep in my heart
Grows strangely dim
All my worries fade
And fall to the ground
Cause when I seek Your face
And don't look around
Any place I'm in
Grows strangely dim

I don't know, I don't know
What tomorrow may hold
But I know, but I know
That You're holding it all
So no matter what may come

I'm gonna fix my eyes on all that You are
'Til every doubt I feel
Deep in my heart
Grows strangely dim
Let all my worries fade
And fall to the ground
I'm gonna seek Your face
And not look around
Til the place I'm in
Grows strangely, strangely, strangely dim.

A Mind for Eternity

       How often do we live for ourselves! What will God do for me? How is this good for me? Will this bring me closer to what I want? How will this circumstance or person serve me, improve my life, give me answers, or provide me with keys to my life? Those can be good guidelines through life’s decisions, but they should not consume them. Lost in this thinking, when life throws us challenges or pain, we stumble around, broken-hearted, alone, and with calls to the heavens about unfairness.

        Life IS an adventure –there is no doubt. But what kind of adventure do we want? What kind of adventure do I want? I can accomplish everything I dream, receive the highest praises, and pursue the best relationships, but what is their worth if God and His vision are not reflected through them to me and those around me? “This calf—a metalworker has made it; it is not God. It will be broken in pieces, that calf of Samaria. They sow the wind and reap the whirlwind. The stalk has no head; it will produce no flour. Were it to yield grain, foreigners would swallow it up” (Hosea 8: 6-7). There is absolutely no worth if only done for self. This kind of adventure is pointless and does not satisfy. It leaves the soul empty, lost, and alone, built only on sand castles. “What good is it for someone to gain the whole world, yet forfeit their soul?” (Mark 8:36)

        Rather than focusing on what is seen, on the immediate, and on ourselves, our minds should be driven beyond this world with its common dreams and push our thoughts towards eternity. Our answers and responses to the successes, obstacles, and failures of this life should be quests for God’s growth in us through them all and for His ultimate glorification. Disciples faced with the difficult question of the existence of the hurt of the disabled received this answer from Jesus: “this happened so that the works of God might be displayed in him” (John 9:3). Is this our response when things don’t go our way –or when they do? God’s message throughout His Word is almost simple: it’s ALL for His glory.

        So how do we live the right kind of adventure? The journey God yearns each of us to have is one of single heartedness, a life centered on His Word, on His eternal plan, and on His glory. His fellowship is the only one needed for completion and satisfaction: “As for me, I will behold thy face in righteousness: I shall be satisfied, when I awake, with thy likeness” (Psalm 17:15). Clothed with humility, we can approach Him knowing that He is our Father who owns the cattle of a thousand hills (Psalm 50:10); we can trust that where He leads is right where we are supposed to be, even if it means a fiery furnace (Daniel 3) or before the audience of a king (Esther 4). The Gospel is all we really have (Galatians 6:14) that will last through anything this life brings. “So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal” (II Corinthians 4:18).

“Now, Lord, I would be Yours alone 
And live so all might see 
The strength to follow Your commands 
Could never come from me 
O Father, use my ransomed life 
In any way You choose 
And let my song forever be 
My only boast is You 

Hallelujah! All I have is Christ 
Hallelujah! Jesus is my life” –from Sovereign Grace “All I Have Is Christ”

He Leadeth Me

I sat on the floor of my bedroom by the window. My Bible and journal beside me, I held open a copy of Oswald Chambers’s My Utmost for His Highest, staring at the words and deep in thought. My head seemed to stage a track competition between life’s mysteries and mankind’s futile attempts at solving them –kind of like in all those Nancy Drew novels I had adventured myself during my middle and high school years. It’s easy to get lost in the details, to focus on what I want to see, to shy away from unseen fears. But, as any good sleuth like Nancy Drew would tell you, a successful investigator learns to balance the beauty of the details and the practicality of the big picture; strives for the truth while adhering to the goal; and courageously stands for the involved principles regardless of the greatness of the wonder.

“’If ye abide in me, and my words abide in you…’ –that is the way to keep going in our personal lives. Where we are placed is a matter of indifference; God engineers the goings.” Chambers’s words reminded me that all this that I call my life is not my orchestration, not my search party, and not my craft. I’ve been thinking about that a lot lately. But tonight Chambers also challenged me in another way: if I abide in the Lord, I can trust that what comes my way is His work. Look at what the rest of his quoted verse states:

“If ye abide in me, and my words abide in you, ye shall ask what ye will, and it shall be done unto you” (John 15:7). Similarly, Psalm 37: 4-5 promises, “Delight thyself also in the Lord; and He shall give thee the desires of thine heart. Commit thy way unto the Lord; trust also in Him; and He shall bring it to pass.”

Those words are to my soul as the song of the crickets is to my ears –beautiful, quiet yet powerful, peaceful, and gentle. No, it’s not about what I do. It’s about where He leads a yielded heart, mind, and soul through this journey and how He places me right where I need to be. Lord, thank You that those who abide in You, You lead right along where they are supposed to be. You are faithful! 

Be Faithful

In an earlier blog-post before my trip to the sea, I wrote about my current environment and its challenges. Perhaps part of me hoped that God would provide a great revelation during my ocean journey on how to get out of it. Foolish, perhaps? God has used my beach voyages to speak powerful words to my heart in the past -so why not again?

It's funny...this time, I haven't been really moved to think anything at all about my situation, except the tenacious words of  "being faithful" right before I had left for vacation and during the first part of it. It's as if God were quietly repeating, "Daughter, we've already talked about this. Why are you still pressing? Why are you still fighting? I have simply called you to be faithful."

Of course, my fighter's soul doesn't accept that. It continually asks "why;" begs "show me;" seeks answers I can create, mere shallow copies easily washed off by the waves of time and the wills of man.

From the beach that I like to walk through every morning, I can spot the old castle that sits on the edge of a cliff. I can just imagine the dukes and ladies of old parading across the lawn and watching for any pirates on the horizon. God's vision is like that castle up on a hill, designed to last beyond the winds and seasons and tides. I just need to accept my part of His plan here and now -and not tomorrow. Oh my little castles... I can try to build them as much as I want; but when will I swallow my pride and humbly accept that my shaky castles on sand are but cheap, faulty replicates of His greatness and design?

I must pursue Him, His vision...with sincerity, boldness, and singleness of heart. It doesn't matter the season -it's a lifetime dedication. I must be faithful.

Too Busy. Too Drained.

Taking a step back can be good. You can gain a new perspective, return to what is truly important, refresh your soul with rivers of life, and remember what the focus of life is. I’m amazed at how easily we fall into lop-sided patterns, make weak excuses into mountains, and believe lies.

The other day, one of my friends sent me a Facebook message. It held a desperate call to hang out…and was soaked with words of loneliness. Of course, I rose to the occasion to accomplish a great deed and promised to spend time with her once I returned home from my trip.

But wasn’t that a mirror image of an exact promise I had made two months ago…to the same person? And I never acted on it.

What have I become? I know in my heart this isn’t the only vow I have not upheld. I hide behind what I must do now: work, earn a living, do my schoolwork, throw ingredients together for meals, clean –the list doesn’t really end in my head. I am drained when I come home from work, think I. I am no use to those who call to me, to those I love who are miles away… My cup is used up and empty; I have no more to offer.

Or so I think.

There is most certainly a place to draw lines, create boundaries, recognize your limitations, flee over-commitment, choose your battles, spend quality quiet time with the Lord, and focus on the tasks of a particular season in life. But I cannot afford to ignore the people clearly places in my life along the journey.

 I Timothy 5 makes this idea clear. In that chapter, Paul talks about the treatment of widows by the church. While he encouraged the church to take care of them, he called families to take care of their own first and foremost: “But if a widow has children or grandchildren, these should learn first of all to put their religion into practice by caring for their own family and so repaying their parents and grandparents, for this is pleasing to God” (v.4).  What am I doing for my family in the midst of my draining business? How am I still touching their lives even though they are miles away? Am I using their distance as an excuse?

Paul continues his discussion with a description of the legacy of a godly widow: she “is well known for her good deeds, such as bringing up children, showing hospitality, washing the feet of the Lord’s people, helping those in trouble and devoting herself to all kinds of good deeds” (v. 10). My friend should have never have NEEDED to beg me to hang out. I should have never assumed she had made friends, that she was fitting in, and that she was blossoming in her new season of life. I should have taken the initiative.

Perhaps I try to fit being a genuinely caring family member and friend into a box of good deeds, something to check off my list of being a “good Christian,” instead of viewing and valuing it as a lifestyle. Oswald Chambers so poignantly stated, “the secret of a Christian’s life is that the supernatural becomes natural…the experience of this becomes evident in the practical, every day details of life, not in times of intimate fellowship with God.” Special moments with God are invigorating, give us strength, replace the draining business with purpose and joy; but they should not be the only evidence of a Christian walk –they should only be the Source. I am renewed to BEAR FRUIT.

Bushes of Berries

Yesterday, I took a walk through the woods, fields, and sandy areas around the house. Near the end of my stroll, I chose a path that leads through a wooded area that runs between two fields. I remembered the special meaning this path had: last winter, I had struggled with God there (see previous post titled "Ashamed of my Prideful Unbelief. Amazed by His Wonderful Work). Our wills clashed, and I felt as if His hand were trying to pierce me to pull out my will. I remember it all so clearly. As my arguments turned from valid to weak, His goodness and wisdom shined through my dark thoughts, just as the bright sun rays were casting their beam upon the frozen countryside even through the thick winter clouds. I remember it all so clearly.

Then, suddenly, I decided my will really wasn't worth it. I decided I should let Him win.

By then, I had reached that same path I was on yesterday. I paused under the leafless trees and wrote on a note-card words of loving surrender to a Father who knows best. I could not see the future, but suddenly I knew my lack did not matter since He owns the cattle across a thousand hills. I did not have all the answers, but my clueless heart was insignificant because He knows the beginning and the end. Fear became futile; running away became an option no more; His way meant life, joy, and His presence -no matter what this world threw me.

Now, that wooded area is full of blackberries -the bushes are literally COVERED. My mom and I could probably make enough blackberry pies to feed a thousand.

I need to remember that: the surrendering of my will always brings the showering of God's blessing -no, not always in material ways, in healing, in deliverance, or in the seen. But He always rewards with His presence, His revelation of Himself as never before, a closer walk with Him in JOY and TRUE LIFE that is full of strength and grace. He gives our souls reasons to sing.

Reflections from the Sea

I was able to take a really good stroll yesterday at the beach, thinking about all the changes since the last time I walked there back in January. So much HAS changed in my life! I remember how in the winter month God challenged my faith, asked me about the degree of my devotion to Him, and responded to the many questions of my heart with the simple answer that I should just take one step and He would reveal my life to me in His own timing.

Well, here I walk along this same beach again. I definitely don’t have all the answers; in some ways, some of my questions remain the same. God has not shown me everything yet. Many times in the past months, He only revealed me the step I was the take at the very moment -without explaining why.

Yet I can stand here on this beach testifying that He has blessed me so much…and taught and strengthened me in countless ways, far more than I thought were possible. These months have definitely not been all I thought it would or could be; but in many ways, it has been much, much more. Because of His workings, I dare say that now more than ever I stand amazed at His faithfulness, His teachings, His promises, and His provision. I know He provides the good…and He prepares for what we wouldn't necessarily choose to bring upon ourselves. I still have questions –many questions, might I add! I still wonder how this or that will happen. I still flinch and fall when the Enemy attacks. Yet, I KNOW I don’t need to shiver towards the possibilities of my future because I know better who He is, I know that I can trust Him…I know He will supply me with the strength to get through anything He allows to come my way and He covers me with His Son’s righteousness no matter how small my faith seems at times, no matter what challenge I will face, no matter what temptation I find…

Will I choose to be faithful to such a great God? 

Manufactured & Mainstream

To be honest with you, I’ve been struggling a lot recently with certain situations that have come up in my daily environment. It’s as if that now that I am done focusing so much on my certification tests, I have found a new hurdle that I must learn with patient endurance to leap over, to soar over with wings as eagles, to jump over better than a conqueror would, and to land firmly planted on Solid Ground. It makes me wonder where all these obstacles come from that can either steal my joy or teach me to have faith that moves mountains.

“To great sections of the Church the art of worship has been lost entirely, and in its place has come that strange and foreign thing called the ‘program.’ This word has been borrowed from the stage and applied with sad wisdom to the type of public service which now passes for worship among us.” These words by A. W. Tozer back in the 1940s seem to ring so powerfully true today. They address some of the murky thoughts that have been battling in my head and heart for a while… What have we become? It bothers me that some worship pastors in mega-churches make millions while rural communities within the same state boundaries have a crumbling building; it bothers me that some overseas missionaries are glorified but we forget to plant and harvest our own fields; it bothers me that “prosperity gospel” sermons become the latest craze but can’t really satisfy the starving masses. Don’t take me wrong: I would take a raise any day! And I believe we do need missionaries to go across the nations to grow the Kingdom of God. But is this what we are restricting ourselves to? If we don’t feed our own flocks, how can we expect to continue sending out the Word?

Maybe one of my biggest struggles is that my childish, utopian idea of a Christian environment is becoming tainted a crimson red fast and furiously. Why are we not better? Why do we bicker so? Why do we not work together, trust each other, believe mountains will crumble? All along growing up I blamed my problems on certain non-Christian influences or my location. Little did I know… No. We are still fallen. We still have a sin nature. And we must battle it. Wherever God leads us. Wherever God places us.

It seems weird to think that I feel so untrusting, so un-belonging, so estranged, so disconnected…even in a “Christian” environment. I dare not say that my situation compares to that of Daniel in Babylon and Medo-Persia or Esther in the king’s court, but am I catching yet another glimpse of what it means to live as a gypsy in this temporary universe, to be in this world but not of it, and to focus on the unseen? My roommate coined a word to describe the situation I feel that I am in: it’s as if it’s all “manufactured Christianity.” But isn’t that just what mainstream Christianity has become and not my current situation only? It’s terrifying, really, when you ponder upon its ramifications upon the Kingdom of God. Are we simply missing the point?

But where do we draw the line between growth, attempts to draw the masses, keeping the focus on the cross of Jesus, and becoming successful–is there any more black and white? Where is the line in the sand? Should I really be the one drawing it?

“Has a nation changed its gods, even though they are no gods? But my people have changed their glory for that which does not profit. Be appalled, O heavens, at this; be shocked, be utterly desolate, declares the Lord, for my people have committed two evils: they have forsaken me, the fountain of living waters, and hewed out cisterns for themselves, broken cisterns that can hold no water.” –Jeremiah 2:11-13

Water & Fire

Last night and this morning, I was thinking about possible impacts of praying "God, use me to change lives and win souls." As Christians, we sometimes receive this glorified sense of haughty accomplishment if we repeat those words, it seems. We get "all fuzzy inside" because we think we're promising this great thing to God when really, a lot of times we just think what WE do is getting us closer to Him or what WE say will make us more dedicated Christians.

In all honesty, for some reason when I thought those words last night, I got a little scared -overwhelmed. Again, this morning, reading through Isaiah, I thought again about the ramifications of truly asking God to use me any way He thought best. All the examples ran through my head...Bethany Hamilton, slain missionaries, Christians in freak accidents after praying that prayer, you name it ("funny" how the devil likes to do that to us!). My next words to God were, "I don't think I can honestly pray that -I'm too scared! I'd love it if all those things didn't happen to me! I don't want to get tortured, I don't want to face the temptation of denying Your name, I don't want to get into a car accident..."

At that point, I was starting to remember how He strengthened me and truly prepared me in the past (see last post). Surely He would do the same if any of these above mentioned things were to happen to me! Then, I read Isaiah 43:1-7, because it was next in my Bible reading...It blew me away. I know that this passage is primarily geared to Israel, God's chosen people; but I believe it is also applicable to Christians like me, a "redeemed Gentile."

But now thus saith the Lord that created thee, O Jacob, and He that formed thee, O Israel, Fear not: for I have redeemed thee, I have called thee by thy name; thou art mine. When thou passest through the waters, I will be with thee; and through the rivers, they shall not overflow thee: when thou walkest through the fire, thou shalt not be burned; neither shall the flame kindle thee. For I am the Lord thy God, the Holy One of Israel, thy Savior...Since thou wast precious in my sight, thou hast been honorable, and I have loved thee...Fear not, for I am with thee...Even every one that is called by my name: for I have created him for my glory, I have formed him; yea, I have made him.

Case closed.

He Molds a Girl

Hit by the harsh reality that I felt so unprepared for an upcoming important certification test yesterday, I started crying, my head buried in my lap. For some reason, I looked up, and my eyes rested on a random Bible verse I had highlighted in my Bible a few months ago: In the day when I cried Thou answeredst me, and strengthenedst me with strength in my soul" (Psalm 138:3).

STRENGTH -My Lord promises STRENGTH. He doesn't promise deliverance. He doesn't promise freedom from failure, disappointment, toil, busy schedules... But He promises to answer...and to give strength. He may choose to let me pass this certification test the first time. He may allow me to never have to set aside hours for its preparation past these next two weeks. He may allow sucess. But He may also choose to make me wait longer, study more...Either way He promises to hear my cries, my prayers...and He promises STRENGTH through it all. It's the same with life. Really, a lot of this past year has shown me that -just look at my past posts! A lot of times it didn't look like He was answering as I thought He should. But He always did, and He always gave me STRENGTH. Many times He had to wait until I was willing to be turned to clay with the heart of a child, but over time, He molded me.

The rest of the day, the more I rested in this truth, the more I found strength in Him. Then, this morning, I received news that was very unexpected and that, probably a few months ago, would have shaken me to the bone marrow. Yet, I'm okay with it. God made me okay with it -He molded my heart into that of a little girl, strengthened by her Father's might, awed by His provision of strength, and prepared by His grace. What happened, so strangely close to my birthday, is as if God wanted to symbolize and remind me of some of the lessons He had been so patiently trying to teach me this past year: Oh, yes, He definitely did answer my many prayers -and He gave me STRENGTH! There is beauty in letting go, beauty in waiting, beauty in moving on and living, beauty in trusting Him -I am so THANKFUL that God prepared my heart and strengthened me.

Just as God prepared me and strengthened me for this moment of revelation this morning, He will prepare and strengthen me for whatever happens with this certification process...and anything else in my life that is to come. Heartbreaks, pains, disappointments, marriage, children, rural living, success, death -the life cannot stop!- He WILL prepare me and strengthen me if I keep my eyes and heart on Him. He will mold me in just the way He knows I should be.

It's Not Where I'm Going

I’m a dreamer. There’s no denying it. Ever since I can remember, I’ve always had a goal in mind, something I was striving toward, someone I wanted to be, somewhere I wanted to go. I still continue to dream…constantly. And, quite honestly, I find much of my drive, passion, and enthusiasm in my dreams.

But what I f I stopped dreaming? What if the dreams stopped coming?

And what if I never saw my dreams fulfill?

It can be tough for me to admit those possibilities. But maybe it’s time for me to realize that my main reason to live is not to dream or to see my dreams unravel; but rather to embrace my relationship with Jesus Christ…to realize HE is enough for me. HE is my dream come true. HE is my fulfillment.

It’s easy to write that –but how about I start living and thinking that way?

It’s not about where I’m going…but truly about WHO is going with me.

Longsuffering.

Longsuffering.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about taking time to care about the people around us and showing them they matter –this past week, I was really task-oriented, and I honestly wanted to chew up the people around me. I didn’t want to be nice, or smile –I just wanted to get my list of things done. Nothing –and nobody- was going to stand in the way of my promising accomplishment. In the back of my head, I knew my sudden determination was just a mask for a desire that none burst my bubble of desired solitude. Whatever happened to joy? Whatever happened to patience? Whatever happened to love?

A couple days later my supervisor shared with the staff a devotional about not forgetting the people that surround us, even when we are swamped with work, just wanting to please our boss and getting ‘ir done. Then I received a letter from a family member that moved me to dwell on the sad fact that it is easy to forget those that matter through the busyness of life.

This morning, I noticed in a horse her beautiful, sweet, servant-hearted look in her eye and mentioned it to friends with me. One of them agreed and described it as “longsuffering.” Later, on my way home, I couldn’t get the word out of my head. Longsuffering –such a powerful word when we think about it. It reminds me a lot of the often quoted “Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails. But whether there are prophecies, they will fail; whether there are tongues, they will cease; whether there is knowledge, it will vanish away (from I Corinthians 13). No wonder it made it to the ranks of the Fruit of the Spirit! It’s one of the things I should be becoming more and more. That’s what I should be more and more towards my family, my friends, my roommate, my co-workers…strangers. That’s how God is toward us –toward me.

Longsuffering.

What Will Survive the Fire?

Zephaniah reveals the coming judgment of the Lord -its righteous power and holy justice that will miss none who is guilty and not covered with His blood. It will consume all we have done, leaving nothing but His glory.

As I was reading these descriptions of fire, fury, and feebleness, verses from the New Testament filled my imagination as well, as if pieces from all over Scripture were fitting together visually in my mind. That the trial of your faith, being much more precious than of gold that perisheth, though it be tried with fire, might be found unto praise and honor and glory at the appearing of Jesus Christ (I Peter 1:7). Silver and gold have I none; but such as I have give I thee: In the name of Jesus Christ of Nazareth rise up and walk (Acts 3:6). Now if any man build upon this foundation gold, silver, precious stones, wood, hay, stubble; Every man's work shall be made manifest; for the day shall declare it, because it shall be revealed by fire; and the fire shall try every man's work of what sort it is. If any man's work abide which he hath built thereupon, he shall receive a reward. If any man's work shall be burned, he shall suffer loss: but he himself shall be saved; yet so as by fire (I Cor. 3:12-15).

The fire tries our lives today on a daily, earthly basis; and one day, the fire will sift everything in our lives and miss nothing. Everything not of eternal signification is and will be burned; it will leave no legacy. BUT what survives the fire -what lasts forever- will last through the fire and eve come out better...will come out PURIFIED. Neither their silver nor their gold shall be able to deliver them in the day of the Lord's wrath; but the whole land shall be devoured by the fire of His jealousy: for He shall make even a speedy riddance of all them that dwell in the land (Zeph. 1:18).

In Acts, the disciplines had nothing of earthly significance to offer -but even though they physically healed the crippled man, what they truly did have to give him was something worth far more than anything this life could offer. What do I have? What do I offer? What does my attitude reflect on the state of my heart? What do my words reveal of my character? What do my priorities point out about my soul? Are the things I have but wood and hay that will burn away in His trying fire? or will my legacy survive the fire and stand brighter, stronger -purer? Will I be able to truly, honestly say as I look into His face, But You knoweth the way that I take: when You have tried me, I have come forth as gold (Job 23:10).

And So My Pilgrimage Goes On

This weekend was truly it. Yes, I technically graduated in December; but this past weekend, I feel as if I took a huge leap into another season of life. I watched my class, from acquaintances to best friends, receive blessings, explode with cheers, receive a diploma, and yes…graduate. It was all I could do to keep from exploding into tears. We were all taking huge steps, about to dive into situations we probably had never envisioned for ourselves. I couldn’t help but wonder what some of my classmates, now military officers, were getting ready to face. What would life be for all of us now? Would we ever see each other again on this side of eternity? What would my world look like without them?

More and more now, I have been beginning to see my life as that of a gypsy, as you may have picked up from some of my posts. When one of the graduation speakers mentioned to our lives being a journey –a pilgrimage where people come and go in our lives, circumstances and environments change- her comments hit straight home to my heart. I could relate to her words; I so knew what she was talking about. It was a reality I was beginning to understand more and more now.

While the concept did not comfort me much from the empty sadness I felt of having to say many goodbyes and the strong emotions that swept through my soul about so many changes, it did help me gain some perspective and realize as well that my outlook on life has definitely changed since the beginning of college, and even perhaps within this past year. Life is truly a journey, a series of travels where my love for God and a resulting outpour towards people should never stop growing. Change happens –a lot. But I should not be afraid of it; rather, I must make the most of it, seeing how God can grow me closer to Him and use me more.

It’s hard, though, I’m going to be truly honest. It’s hard to say good-bye. It’s hard to move on. It’s hard to wonder if you ever see some of these people again. It’s hard not to think about the “what-if’s.” But I must focus on God’s faithfulness and His sovereignty –and His plan, His mission for me, for all of us.

Beautiful Spontaneity

“When we are rightly related to God, life is full of spontaneous, joyful uncertainty and expectancy.” –Oswald Chambers

Spontaneity, adventure, spur-of-the-moment –these are words I recently discovered were becoming part of my daily battle cry. I had always been the control-freak kind, continually itemizing my entire day, planning how everything would get done, how everything would match up, and how these somehow would make me feel better and accomplished. I was planning out my life -every single detail.

Now, don’t get me wrong: I far from condemn the making and reaching of goals, striving to live our days to the fullest, and doing as much as we can with the time God has given us. I am quite the opposite! There is nothing like having a dream and following it with all your heart because you know it’s the right –and best- thing for you to do! And actually…I continue to be a big fan of writing lists and constantly finding satisfaction on crossing items off of them –SHHH!

But now, I vouch to say that part of making the most of our days for the glory of God and pursuing His calling on our lives is…..

….by being spontaneous! By being adventurous! By doing some things in the spur-of-the-moment! And, quite honestly, ever since I have begun living that way, I have experienced so much more freedom, joy, and…a sense of productive accomplishment. In no way am I encouraging making foolish, hasty decisions or ditching the whole idea of responsibility –but I am advocating instead including, along with the adhering of our duties, the pursuit of beautiful spontaneity, that, honestly, I believe God spurs in us sometimes because without it, many of us would NEVER dare to launch half of these glorious adventures!

Oswald Chambers challenges us to consider TRUE LOVE a kind of adventure: “Love is not premeditated, it is spontaneous, i.e., it bursts up in extraordinary ways.” It is NOT about standards, he states boldly, “but when His Spirit is having His way with us, we live according to His standard without knowing it…”

Walking with the Lord and living in His Spirit is not about the rules, the lists, the numbers, or the accomplishments we can pat ourselves on the shoulder for. Rather, it is about letting His all take over us completely, day by day, more and more with every minute.

One more challenge for ya… “The evidence of our love for Him is the absolute spontaneity of our love…The life of God manifests itself in this spontaneous way because the springs of love are in the Holy Ghost.”

Now that sounds like a life for wild hearts and gypsy souls clinging only to the sound of hoofbeats to me!

Running with Patience

You may consider this a short little post this morning. But these brief words I read this morning I found so powerful, straight from Come Away, My Beloved:

"'Running' with 'patience.' -In these two words I have combined the intensity of purpose and the quiet waiting upon Me which ye needs must have, else ye be overtaken in the race by fatigue of body and soul."

Intensity of purpose...RUNNING
Quiet waiting...WITH PATIENCE

Just because you may be in a season of waiting -for whatever it is!- it does not mean you should just sit in a corner all day -continue running! Stay busy, remain faithful... As I read a while back somewhere else, continue in the path God has already placed you on. BUT just because you are running doesn't mean you shouldn't take the time to listen for His voice, constantly alert for a change in direction to run towards, taking time to "recharge" at His feet. The narrow road to Shiloh's Mount can seem so long at times, yet, as my pastor stated last Sunday, "you may have to sit a while on this journey, simply crying out to the Lord in weariness...But that's okay as long as you don't start going back the way you first came from."

Run. With Patience. Persevere. Don't Quit. Be Faithful.

Proclaim Liberty

A month ago, I decided to dive into the book of Jeremiah. Never did I expect the riches I would discover in a book I once deemed depressing and only about judgment. God has used my reading there to reveal so much to me about His nature, His balance of holiness and grace, His heart, His brokeness for those who do not walk with Him...and His faithful provision, presence, and revelation to those whose heart is after Him. I think I could probably write many, many posts on all that is discussed in Jeremiah; but for now, I would like to focus on NINE words of ONE verse: Jeremiah 34:17.

Ye have not hearkened unto me, in proclaiming liberty...

WOAH. In this passage, if you look at the context, God was frustrated with His people for not following His commandments on how to treat their slaves/servants, who were supposed to be released after a certain number of years of service. The owners were indeed releasing them...but then bonding them once again after a year or two. The Israelites were failing to PROCLAIM LIBERTY.

Am I proclaiming liberty?

Believing in, chasing after, and defending liberty has kind of become "my thing" ever since I left the more simple ways of childhood. From the moment I watched for the first time a movie where a child chose to set a wild animal free to the heart-gripping instant of gazing at the collapsing Twin Towers to the life-changing decision of following Jesus Christ, the idea of LIBERTY began to take on new, revolutionary meanings to me.

I followed my dreams of studying government and early American history at the university level, but now, I am a college graduate, working a regular "7:45 AM to 4:45 PM" kind of job that I did not originally think I would ever do. But who I am in Christ -my true identity- is one who cannot stop striving to proclaim liberty. I firmly believe that individuals can find liberty from the toils of life through participation in equine-assisted therapy and other horse programs; I adhere to the same principles of liberty that the Founding Fathers of this country called their own and inscribed in every word of our Constitution; and most importantly, I have found true, constant liberty in the Lord Jesus Christ -a liberty that continues to exists when there are no more horses to ride or when every single right as stated in the Bill of Rights has been snatched away.

The cool thing in all of this?

This identity follows me -no matter where I live, no matter where I work, no matter how much I think I am contributing to my convictions. Now I realize that God is opening doors for me to live this identity out, even if they seem small doors at the moment. He did say after all that if I am faithful in the little things right now...He will open even more greater doors later.

So now what? WILL I PROCLAIM LIBERTY -even in my seemingly, simple, day-to-day routine? After all...I did graduate from a school with "liberty" in its name!

So Me -A New Favorite Song

"Airstream Song"

Miranda Lambert / Natalie Hemby

Sometimes I wish I lived in an Airstream
Homemade curtains, lived just like a gypsy
Break a heart, roll out of town
‘Cause gypsies never get tied down

Sometimes I wish I lived on a mountain
Drank from a stream instead of a fountain
I’d stay there, top of the world
But I was born a red dirt girl
Unbridled or tethered and tied
The safety of the fence or the danger of the ride
I’ll always be unsatisfied
Sometimes I wish I lived by a pier
In a lighthouse with a chandelier
I’d watch everybody’s ships come in
And then I’d sail away with them
Unanchored in the storm
Or safely on the shore
If this is all I need, why do I want more
Sometimes I wish I lived in an airstream
Homemade curtains, lived just like a gypsy

Adventure & Passion

A few months ago -it seems like yesterday!- I discovered that being a gypsie is not necessarily a bad thing. January and Februrary brought amazing provision as I began making a home for myself. March, on the other hand, rolled in, bringing with it once again the longing of my now fully gypsied soul for adventure, for greener grasses, and for excitement. My job had taken a slow spin since I was not yet fully trained and ready for all my coming assignments. Other circumstances in my life were having me wonder if I was in the right place, if I belonged to something "greater," if I should be still searching for home. Opportunities for "more exciting" jobs seemed to run through my inbox; a realization of friends leaving and moving on to the next step in life was hitting me with full force and brutality; and suddenly having options for which Masters to pick became an unsolveable dilemna. I was restless. I needed "adventure." I wanted something "greater." I didn't want to let go of friendships and watch God work in their lives in other places.

Last weekend, though, I was able to take a little getaway trip. Even though it was for academic purposes, God used it to completely shift my perspective. I LOVE IT when He does that!

• My home is where His heart is. It's as simple as that! I need to look no further. Where He has placed me is where I belong.
• Naturally, people come and go. My job is to make the most of my time with them, no matter how long or short it is, to be a blessing to them, to enjoy every moment.
• My life IS an adventure in and of itself -if I let God take control and if I live my life fully. I don't need to travel the world, take the Gospel to foreign lands, or open a tradepost in the middle of the Rocky Mountains. Here. Now. Today. Is when God's adventure calls me.

So I created a new motto... Not aimless wanderings but ADVENTURE. Not mindless obsessions but PASSION.

What's next? I'M READY!

Thoughts on my True Love

You cradle my so fragile heart
That falls easily to a worldy dart
That cowards at earth's quick rots
That withholds secrets and private thoughts

You desire to change my mind
That struggles against today's grind
That fears at fleeting castles in sand
That forgets Your controlling hand

You chase my wandering soul
That drives after only a fool
That follows lies and other words
That becomes vulnerable to swords

You are my constant who never leaves
You, to my soul a King who cleaves,
You wrap my all in a pure embrace
And promise wholeness face to face

You will carry me on an angelic wing
Your name and glory I will sing
Finally united with You and fellow travelers
No more separation or sinful surrenders

Intimidated by Your Love

I don’t think I have shared with you yet my deep appreciation for Bethany Dillon songs. It seems that every time I listen to them, they either pierce my soul with conviction or put my deepest thoughts into words. She just seems to know how to say what I really need to hear or how to express how I truly feel.

I have been thinking a lot about how my concept of LOVE is far, very far, from God’s concept of this mysterious force that emboldens mothers to desire to take their children’s place in pain, that moves a man and a woman to seek to give up their differences, and that motivated a holy God to sacrifice His own Son for a selfish world lost in darkness, suffering, and shame. To me, love doesn’t happen unless it is shared, becomes a strong mutual feeling, or isn’t reality until it is recognized and embraced by all the involved parties. How many times am I moved to love someone because I can see accompanying benefits or a promise of returned love?

This may be a very human perception of love –but oh how inaccurate is it! We have so perverted and stained our concept of love that we can no longer recognize it when it is there, present, and at work…and fail to even grasp a glimpse of God’s powerful, UNCONDITIONAL love for us. Because that’s what true LOVE is –it is unconditional.

The Bible speaks of this love on many occasions. I John 4:19 states that God loved us way before we even thought about loving Him. James 4:6-10 and Jeremiah 29 distinctively relate the idea that long before we decided to grab His hand, it was outstretched towards us, simply waiting for us to call upon His love and claim it our own. God loves unconditionally –and He never stops loving us, even when we think He does due to our human, small conception of love. One of my favorite Bethany Dillon songs “So Close” alludes to this idea: for a major part of the song, Bethany talks about how easily we fall into sin, into prideful negligence of His Word, and into a feeling of distance between the Lord and us. However, she concludes her song with a powerful truth: He never once turned His heart away, even when we felt so far away. He was always “so close.” We are the ones with wandering hearts; but HE is always so close, even when we feel so far away from Him. Now that’s love.

So what now? What must we –I –do about this love? I want to challenge us –I want to challenge me! –to truly LOVE…love through a transformed mind (Romans 12:2): love boldly, love humbly, love sacrificially, love fearlessly, love unconditionally, love without expecting anything in return…Love the LORD with all your heart, mind, and soul…and love others as yourself (Matthew 22:37-40).

What A Bargain -Blessed Are Those Who Wait

Today I went grocery-shopping with one of my best friends, and to our delight, we found some amazing bargains that, thanks to our freezers, will satisfy our taste buds for weeks without compromising our bank accounts. We were so thrilled! I can honestly say that roasted chicken with my salad tonight was one of my yummiest dinners in my little home so far. It made me so excited and grateful about something that is easily considered so simple.

Many times, bargains become some of our most prized delights if we are patient and diligent to actually look for them and are willing to give up having them immediately. Sometimes we may even have to pay a little price –but compared to the eventual result, it is only minute. This isn’t just solid, smart grocery-shopping. I know this may sound a little strange, but waiting and finding “bargains” applies to our other aspects of life, too. Countless times it may seem to us that God asks us to give up our dreams, talents, and gifts and to patiently seek His face as we wait until He opens doors and reveals us our “life bargains.” Recently, through a series of amazing new opportunities, I realized that God has a timing for everything, including my talents and dreams. He uses every single one of them in His beautiful, perfect timing when I patiently wait, making the most of the here and now while being available to His call.

Summer 2011, I realized how much I still craved to ride, care for, and work with horses; but I was not really sure how that could happen anymore. I decided to just surrender that dream up to the Lord –maybe that was all it had ever been supposed to be? That fall, I found out about my college’s new equestrian center which was offering free riding lessons. I had my first back-in-the-saddle experience before Christmas break, and once I was back from vacation, I took lessons probably maybe about four to five times a month. I was finally experiencing what I had always dreamed of. I continually wanted more –I could not get enough time in the saddle. God allowed me to work at a summer camp where I spent three months taking care of horses and eventually teaching beginner lessons maybe 75% of the day –even though I had only started seriously riding that past January (don’t tell me that there is anything that God can’t do!). As I neared the end of camp, I realized how much I had enjoyed the experiences I had run across. I had truly loved every single opportunity that had involved working with children and horses, and I couldn’t imagine stopping now that I had tasted what delight those activities were. I researched community outreaches near my college that used horses to touch people’s lives. To my excitement, I discovered one only ten minutes away from campus! Needless to say, I quickly became an active contributor to the horse ministry throughout the fall by helping out with horse conditioning and youngsters’ horse clubs.

What am I doing now, you may ask?

Well… after only so little time, I am now the ministry’s horse clubs manager, and I was just asked yesterday to write part of our developing manual that we plan to make available to anyone out there interested in knowing how to start an equine-assisted therapy program! I know…INCREDIBLE, RIGHT!? I still cannot believe it. I can only sit here on my living room floor, amazed at what God’s plans are and ashamed of the many times I still try to control them and fit my life to the mold I think it should be. He really does know best, even when we feel as if we are giving up what we love most. If I had been given horse opportunities earlier, I honestly don’t know if I would be using them to try to reach out to others. Many times He makes us wait because we are not ready, or not as many people would be blessed through us, or He ultimately wouldn’t be glorified as much. After all, life is all about just that, touching people’s lives and bringing Him glory.

To be continued…

Chicken Stew for Two & Homemade Cards

Honestly, it’s amazing not to have any more homework –or, at least, for a little while before I start my Masters. I get to explore so many new activities I’ve been wanting to dive into such as hand-made cards, learning to cook, quilting projects –and of course all while watching movies. A couple days ago I even had my first “company for dinner” and shared homemade chicken stew with one of my best friends.

Throughout all my new endeavors and the freedom to really choose how I spend my time, God has been continuously finding ways to remind me that my main focus in what I do should not be the selfish seen –but the eternal impact that is often impossible for me to comprehend in the moment. I was reading in Lamentations; and chapter 2, verse 19 really captured my heart: “Arise, cry out in the night: in the beginning of the watches pour out your heart like water before the face of the Lord: lift up your hands toward Him for the life of your young children, that faint for hunger in the top of every street.” I was recently offered a position of leadership in a local horse ministry, but what had I been doing to truly prepare for it besides worrying if I had what it takes, if I would know how to touch the children’s souls, or if I could possibly keep every safe, etc.? While my time in crafts is definitely positive skills to develop, I can’t possibly allow myself no time to let God prepare me for reaching out to the spiritually starving children of my neighborhood.

God has given me this present season to live and learn –to discover how to use my time wisely to bless others, how to improve my skills to better serve and uplift others, and to become more and more secure in my fellowship and calling in Him. What am I waiting for?

“So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.” –II Cor. 4:18

All My Worry Was In Vain

Once again God has overflowed my cup. I asked for four walls within which to sleep and store my things –He provided me with a beautiful home. I could not imagine what life would be without a steady income –He handed me a job that I love with people that I am already fond of. I begged for time with horses and children –He opened a door for me to help direct a local ministry that outreaches to the community’s youth through horses and the outdoors.

I am so grateful for my time in what seemed like a desert of a lot of unanswered questions for more than a month. It changed and grew me in so many ways. New perspectives, a more grateful heart, and a better sense of belonging to Him are only some alterations in my little heart, mind, and soul. No, He does not always choose to provide us with so many unexpected blessings as I am experiencing now; but He ALWAYS gives us His grace, joy, peace, and fellowship…and eternal rewards and deliverance from pain and evil will come one day very soon.

This morning, I realized how happy and excited I am now; and how distant, vague, and faraway challenging-December seems. All that worry and fear has become only a blur. I wonder if that’s what heaven will be like: so amazing every day and so full of beautiful discoveries and fellowship with the Lord FOREVER that we will just forget everything that was so evil and painful on earth.

To all of you still going through the desert -PRESS ON. It’s worth it. The seasons of waiting are some of our most growing ones. As Carroll Roberson so beautifully sings, “Now I’m living on the mountain, all my worry was in vain, so if you’re going through the valley, just keep praising Jesus’ name…Sometimes the valley can be good to get our focus on the Lord, When He brings us through the trial, we are stronger than before.” AMEN.

2013 -Another Step towards Shiloh's Mount

2013 -WOW! I hope it's a great growing time for all of my audience! I am sure many of you made lots and lots and LOTSSSSS of resolutions...even though we already kknow we will all fail them at some point. But I hope that through our coming failures this year in 2013, we will only grow closer to our Lord and marvel at His fellowship with us through Christ despite our daily shortcomings.

To start the year off well and 'in order,' I will go ahead and give a little explanation to my blog title change. I loved my previous title; but when I came up with this one...it seemed PERFECT: it described perfectly, I believed, my journey and the recent lessons I had been learning.

Why WILD HEARTS?
Let's face it: I love horses -tremendously. Something that amazes me about them is that no matter how trained or tamed they are, they still enjoy to run free, roll in the grass and mud, and reveal their nature so well: they are wild at heart, truly. They represent freedom -true freedom: the kind that is not limited to situations...the kind that Jesus gives.

GYPSY SOULS
As you can see in one of my recent posts, I learned the hard way that feeling like a gypsy can be a good thing, if it means that I am becoming closer to my Lord. Besides, are we not supposed to consider this world only our temporary home?

Hoof...BEATS!
Again...I LOVE HORSES and they inspire me tremendously (but you already knew that :P). But I maily chose to use hoofBEATS because many times in this life, we cannot see what the future hold, we have no assurance of tomorrow or of our dreams coming true. We mostly have to go day by day, holding true to our faith and believing that He will guide us through this life and take us home.

Journey to SHILOH'S MOUNT
I have always loved the word 'Shiloh' and I even thought of naming a horse that. But the other day, I was looking up exact meanings of this beloeved word, and I found that in Genesis 49:8-12, 'Shiloh' is a reference to the Lord. This life is but my journey to His kingdom, hence my blog subtitle.

HAPPY READING & HAPPY NEW YEAR