Bushes of Berries

Yesterday, I took a walk through the woods, fields, and sandy areas around the house. Near the end of my stroll, I chose a path that leads through a wooded area that runs between two fields. I remembered the special meaning this path had: last winter, I had struggled with God there (see previous post titled "Ashamed of my Prideful Unbelief. Amazed by His Wonderful Work). Our wills clashed, and I felt as if His hand were trying to pierce me to pull out my will. I remember it all so clearly. As my arguments turned from valid to weak, His goodness and wisdom shined through my dark thoughts, just as the bright sun rays were casting their beam upon the frozen countryside even through the thick winter clouds. I remember it all so clearly.

Then, suddenly, I decided my will really wasn't worth it. I decided I should let Him win.

By then, I had reached that same path I was on yesterday. I paused under the leafless trees and wrote on a note-card words of loving surrender to a Father who knows best. I could not see the future, but suddenly I knew my lack did not matter since He owns the cattle across a thousand hills. I did not have all the answers, but my clueless heart was insignificant because He knows the beginning and the end. Fear became futile; running away became an option no more; His way meant life, joy, and His presence -no matter what this world threw me.

Now, that wooded area is full of blackberries -the bushes are literally COVERED. My mom and I could probably make enough blackberry pies to feed a thousand.

I need to remember that: the surrendering of my will always brings the showering of God's blessing -no, not always in material ways, in healing, in deliverance, or in the seen. But He always rewards with His presence, His revelation of Himself as never before, a closer walk with Him in JOY and TRUE LIFE that is full of strength and grace. He gives our souls reasons to sing.

Reflections from the Sea

I was able to take a really good stroll yesterday at the beach, thinking about all the changes since the last time I walked there back in January. So much HAS changed in my life! I remember how in the winter month God challenged my faith, asked me about the degree of my devotion to Him, and responded to the many questions of my heart with the simple answer that I should just take one step and He would reveal my life to me in His own timing.

Well, here I walk along this same beach again. I definitely don’t have all the answers; in some ways, some of my questions remain the same. God has not shown me everything yet. Many times in the past months, He only revealed me the step I was the take at the very moment -without explaining why.

Yet I can stand here on this beach testifying that He has blessed me so much…and taught and strengthened me in countless ways, far more than I thought were possible. These months have definitely not been all I thought it would or could be; but in many ways, it has been much, much more. Because of His workings, I dare say that now more than ever I stand amazed at His faithfulness, His teachings, His promises, and His provision. I know He provides the good…and He prepares for what we wouldn't necessarily choose to bring upon ourselves. I still have questions –many questions, might I add! I still wonder how this or that will happen. I still flinch and fall when the Enemy attacks. Yet, I KNOW I don’t need to shiver towards the possibilities of my future because I know better who He is, I know that I can trust Him…I know He will supply me with the strength to get through anything He allows to come my way and He covers me with His Son’s righteousness no matter how small my faith seems at times, no matter what challenge I will face, no matter what temptation I find…

Will I choose to be faithful to such a great God? 

Manufactured & Mainstream

To be honest with you, I’ve been struggling a lot recently with certain situations that have come up in my daily environment. It’s as if that now that I am done focusing so much on my certification tests, I have found a new hurdle that I must learn with patient endurance to leap over, to soar over with wings as eagles, to jump over better than a conqueror would, and to land firmly planted on Solid Ground. It makes me wonder where all these obstacles come from that can either steal my joy or teach me to have faith that moves mountains.

“To great sections of the Church the art of worship has been lost entirely, and in its place has come that strange and foreign thing called the ‘program.’ This word has been borrowed from the stage and applied with sad wisdom to the type of public service which now passes for worship among us.” These words by A. W. Tozer back in the 1940s seem to ring so powerfully true today. They address some of the murky thoughts that have been battling in my head and heart for a while… What have we become? It bothers me that some worship pastors in mega-churches make millions while rural communities within the same state boundaries have a crumbling building; it bothers me that some overseas missionaries are glorified but we forget to plant and harvest our own fields; it bothers me that “prosperity gospel” sermons become the latest craze but can’t really satisfy the starving masses. Don’t take me wrong: I would take a raise any day! And I believe we do need missionaries to go across the nations to grow the Kingdom of God. But is this what we are restricting ourselves to? If we don’t feed our own flocks, how can we expect to continue sending out the Word?

Maybe one of my biggest struggles is that my childish, utopian idea of a Christian environment is becoming tainted a crimson red fast and furiously. Why are we not better? Why do we bicker so? Why do we not work together, trust each other, believe mountains will crumble? All along growing up I blamed my problems on certain non-Christian influences or my location. Little did I know… No. We are still fallen. We still have a sin nature. And we must battle it. Wherever God leads us. Wherever God places us.

It seems weird to think that I feel so untrusting, so un-belonging, so estranged, so disconnected…even in a “Christian” environment. I dare not say that my situation compares to that of Daniel in Babylon and Medo-Persia or Esther in the king’s court, but am I catching yet another glimpse of what it means to live as a gypsy in this temporary universe, to be in this world but not of it, and to focus on the unseen? My roommate coined a word to describe the situation I feel that I am in: it’s as if it’s all “manufactured Christianity.” But isn’t that just what mainstream Christianity has become and not my current situation only? It’s terrifying, really, when you ponder upon its ramifications upon the Kingdom of God. Are we simply missing the point?

But where do we draw the line between growth, attempts to draw the masses, keeping the focus on the cross of Jesus, and becoming successful–is there any more black and white? Where is the line in the sand? Should I really be the one drawing it?

“Has a nation changed its gods, even though they are no gods? But my people have changed their glory for that which does not profit. Be appalled, O heavens, at this; be shocked, be utterly desolate, declares the Lord, for my people have committed two evils: they have forsaken me, the fountain of living waters, and hewed out cisterns for themselves, broken cisterns that can hold no water.” –Jeremiah 2:11-13

Water & Fire

Last night and this morning, I was thinking about possible impacts of praying "God, use me to change lives and win souls." As Christians, we sometimes receive this glorified sense of haughty accomplishment if we repeat those words, it seems. We get "all fuzzy inside" because we think we're promising this great thing to God when really, a lot of times we just think what WE do is getting us closer to Him or what WE say will make us more dedicated Christians.

In all honesty, for some reason when I thought those words last night, I got a little scared -overwhelmed. Again, this morning, reading through Isaiah, I thought again about the ramifications of truly asking God to use me any way He thought best. All the examples ran through my head...Bethany Hamilton, slain missionaries, Christians in freak accidents after praying that prayer, you name it ("funny" how the devil likes to do that to us!). My next words to God were, "I don't think I can honestly pray that -I'm too scared! I'd love it if all those things didn't happen to me! I don't want to get tortured, I don't want to face the temptation of denying Your name, I don't want to get into a car accident..."

At that point, I was starting to remember how He strengthened me and truly prepared me in the past (see last post). Surely He would do the same if any of these above mentioned things were to happen to me! Then, I read Isaiah 43:1-7, because it was next in my Bible reading...It blew me away. I know that this passage is primarily geared to Israel, God's chosen people; but I believe it is also applicable to Christians like me, a "redeemed Gentile."

But now thus saith the Lord that created thee, O Jacob, and He that formed thee, O Israel, Fear not: for I have redeemed thee, I have called thee by thy name; thou art mine. When thou passest through the waters, I will be with thee; and through the rivers, they shall not overflow thee: when thou walkest through the fire, thou shalt not be burned; neither shall the flame kindle thee. For I am the Lord thy God, the Holy One of Israel, thy Savior...Since thou wast precious in my sight, thou hast been honorable, and I have loved thee...Fear not, for I am with thee...Even every one that is called by my name: for I have created him for my glory, I have formed him; yea, I have made him.

Case closed.

He Molds a Girl

Hit by the harsh reality that I felt so unprepared for an upcoming important certification test yesterday, I started crying, my head buried in my lap. For some reason, I looked up, and my eyes rested on a random Bible verse I had highlighted in my Bible a few months ago: In the day when I cried Thou answeredst me, and strengthenedst me with strength in my soul" (Psalm 138:3).

STRENGTH -My Lord promises STRENGTH. He doesn't promise deliverance. He doesn't promise freedom from failure, disappointment, toil, busy schedules... But He promises to answer...and to give strength. He may choose to let me pass this certification test the first time. He may allow me to never have to set aside hours for its preparation past these next two weeks. He may allow sucess. But He may also choose to make me wait longer, study more...Either way He promises to hear my cries, my prayers...and He promises STRENGTH through it all. It's the same with life. Really, a lot of this past year has shown me that -just look at my past posts! A lot of times it didn't look like He was answering as I thought He should. But He always did, and He always gave me STRENGTH. Many times He had to wait until I was willing to be turned to clay with the heart of a child, but over time, He molded me.

The rest of the day, the more I rested in this truth, the more I found strength in Him. Then, this morning, I received news that was very unexpected and that, probably a few months ago, would have shaken me to the bone marrow. Yet, I'm okay with it. God made me okay with it -He molded my heart into that of a little girl, strengthened by her Father's might, awed by His provision of strength, and prepared by His grace. What happened, so strangely close to my birthday, is as if God wanted to symbolize and remind me of some of the lessons He had been so patiently trying to teach me this past year: Oh, yes, He definitely did answer my many prayers -and He gave me STRENGTH! There is beauty in letting go, beauty in waiting, beauty in moving on and living, beauty in trusting Him -I am so THANKFUL that God prepared my heart and strengthened me.

Just as God prepared me and strengthened me for this moment of revelation this morning, He will prepare and strengthen me for whatever happens with this certification process...and anything else in my life that is to come. Heartbreaks, pains, disappointments, marriage, children, rural living, success, death -the life cannot stop!- He WILL prepare me and strengthen me if I keep my eyes and heart on Him. He will mold me in just the way He knows I should be.

It's Not Where I'm Going

I’m a dreamer. There’s no denying it. Ever since I can remember, I’ve always had a goal in mind, something I was striving toward, someone I wanted to be, somewhere I wanted to go. I still continue to dream…constantly. And, quite honestly, I find much of my drive, passion, and enthusiasm in my dreams.

But what I f I stopped dreaming? What if the dreams stopped coming?

And what if I never saw my dreams fulfill?

It can be tough for me to admit those possibilities. But maybe it’s time for me to realize that my main reason to live is not to dream or to see my dreams unravel; but rather to embrace my relationship with Jesus Christ…to realize HE is enough for me. HE is my dream come true. HE is my fulfillment.

It’s easy to write that –but how about I start living and thinking that way?

It’s not about where I’m going…but truly about WHO is going with me.

Longsuffering.

Longsuffering.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about taking time to care about the people around us and showing them they matter –this past week, I was really task-oriented, and I honestly wanted to chew up the people around me. I didn’t want to be nice, or smile –I just wanted to get my list of things done. Nothing –and nobody- was going to stand in the way of my promising accomplishment. In the back of my head, I knew my sudden determination was just a mask for a desire that none burst my bubble of desired solitude. Whatever happened to joy? Whatever happened to patience? Whatever happened to love?

A couple days later my supervisor shared with the staff a devotional about not forgetting the people that surround us, even when we are swamped with work, just wanting to please our boss and getting ‘ir done. Then I received a letter from a family member that moved me to dwell on the sad fact that it is easy to forget those that matter through the busyness of life.

This morning, I noticed in a horse her beautiful, sweet, servant-hearted look in her eye and mentioned it to friends with me. One of them agreed and described it as “longsuffering.” Later, on my way home, I couldn’t get the word out of my head. Longsuffering –such a powerful word when we think about it. It reminds me a lot of the often quoted “Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails. But whether there are prophecies, they will fail; whether there are tongues, they will cease; whether there is knowledge, it will vanish away (from I Corinthians 13). No wonder it made it to the ranks of the Fruit of the Spirit! It’s one of the things I should be becoming more and more. That’s what I should be more and more towards my family, my friends, my roommate, my co-workers…strangers. That’s how God is toward us –toward me.

Longsuffering.